well today was an early dismissal for school and thirty minutes of it was going to be an assembly so my dad let me stay home. tomorrow is no school either, cause of parent teacher conferences. life is perdy crazy lately. we didn't have the dealership fix our car, we had Wally do it cause he charged like 400% less lol. he's still working on it but yeah we'll have it back soon. Josh and I are pretty much over. last Wednesday night he didn't even say bye so I let him know that this made me mad...well on Friday I was planning on breaking up with him and I went to go tell Kayla and she said that he was planning on breaking up with me lol. So I decided to let him do it, cause I know he doesn't have the guts to..and guess what? he still hasn't. So it's yeah, definitely over lol. I'm glad though. there's someone at school I *really* like and I think he likes me too but I'm not sure. I wouldn't date him right now though cause I don't think he knows God very well so maybe I'll invite him to church some time...and if he said he doesn't want to come...then that's the end of that one. I can't believe Christmas is coming! if the PBR tickets for CFD go on sale before then, then that's what I'm getting me, Amanda, and Kayla. I already know what I'm getting for everyone else too so I'm glad. One more paycheck and I might be able to quit my job *yay* but if it isn't too hard to keep up then I'll keep doing it lol.

Life is definitely not going the best right now. On the way to work on Wednesday my car broke down and it's going to cost 2500 to replace. Which is DEFINITELY money we don't have. The truck sounds horrible when you start it so no doubt that's going to break down soon. So you can imagine when someone criticsized me for not being at the FBLA meeting tonight, I was pretty mad. First of all, I wouldn't have done FBLA this year if I know we were going to MAGICALLY schedule meetings after school when for the last zillion years they've been during school. I don't have money growing on trees (much less do I have trees...I live in Wyoming)...I CANNOT afford gas money...I don't have my own car...my family only has ONE vehicle right now and that's going to break down soon. So this definitely set me off and I said some words I probably shouldn't have. But right now I don't care. It's getting to my crappy time of the year...I hate October. Last year October was the worst month of my life. Joshua James Hedges died on October 16, 2004. My brother was sitting right next to him, and right next to my brother was Brian. Toby was the only one buckled so Josh and Brian were both ejected. Josh died instantly, and Brian was in ICU for a month with a slim chance of coming back normal (thank God he did). So this time last year, I hated God. But then I was invited to church by Josh's family...and in December I got saved. So here I am today. But I'm just doing so crappy right now that I have to ask God to guard my heart so I don't say anything horrible to people. But I'm definitely having the "I don't want to live" thoughts again. But I do want to live, cause I want to live out God's plan for me...no matter how hard that is right now.

I'm so mad! So flippin mad! Today was supposed to be about revenge and stupid LeKevin Smith has to pass the stupid ball after he freaking intercepted it and RUIN THE GAME FOR NEBRASKA. YOU CRACKERBOX!!! Tech would have NEVER gotten the ball again if it wasn't for you!! Where were the blackshirts today???!!! You let Cody Hodges pass the ball around like it was Christmas! You could have stopped him so many times! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!

Take a look at the desert
Do you feel like a grain of sand?
I am with you wherever
Where you go is where I am
And I'm always thinking of you
Take a look around you
I'm spelling it out one by one

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine and you shine for me too
I love you
Yesterday
And today
And tomorrow
I'll say it again and again
I love you more
_________________________________________________________________________

To: God
From: Me
GAH! God! Why do you make it so hard for me to disobey You? I love You more than anything too but life is so hard to live right. I like living the right life but sometimes I just want to do other things and it makes it harder. If it wasn't for You I wouldn't be here in the first place but GOODNESS You make it so hard for me to hate the world. The next few days are going to be so hard for me and You know why. Thanks for everything You've done for me, but why did Tex have to die for it to happen? Your plan is perfect and You don't make mistakes, but IT'S SO HARD! Anyways, I'll talk to You later tonight. I love You! Thanks for giving me the friends I have to get me through everything and thanks for a wonderful opportunity with Josh! You're everything to me!

Long time no update, eh? I don't know what happened. Oh well, here's an update now! School has been going so-so...pretty soon I have to start working on a Chem paper that's way past overdue. I don't remember anything too exciting happening during the time I didn't update...but this Saturday I went to a Wyoming game and that was a lot of fun. My Huskers are still undefeated so that's even better! This Saturday we play Texas Tech, and it's home field, baby. Texas Tech is gonna get a taste of what they gave us last year...cause our boys are hungry for blood! Amanda went to Texas and brought me back a purse and two shirts. The purse is orange and black (my school colors). One shirt has a cross emblem in like silver sequins with four pink sequins around it..it's way cute. And now the joke present...a Texas Tech shirt. Josh H (Amanda's bro) and I made a bet on the game last year and of course he won the bet and I never got to pay him before he died :( Well today I wore the shirt cause it's homecoming week and today was redneck day :-D lol. Anyways there's not much else to say. Josh and I are still doing good. <3 Toby is in jail :( And I'm gonna start getting depressed soon...it's almost been a year since the accident. It's on a Sunday too so I know it's going to be talked about a lot during church :( *sigh*